Tonight Korean Focus Indiana hosted a group discussion on Adopted. Sadly, as I indicated in my previous post, I missed it. It was going to be interesting, as Families with Children From China and the Guatemalan adoption group were invited to participate. Regardless, I want to share my feeling on the film. Luckily, Jim and I were able to borrow it from another family. After watching, Jim commented that he thought we should have our families watch too.
The film follows a 32-year-old Korean Adoptee and separately, a family about to adopt a daughter from China. You see the couple journey to China, meet the foster mother, and receive a crying daughter. This evoked tears from Jim and I, as we have been there-recently. The family returns home, makes some comments about the daughter attaching in 9 days. Jim and I gave them the benefit of the doubt, hopefully they meant to use another word. Anyways, you only see them home with their daughter at her current age.
However, the 32 year old, you hear about her childhood, and the pain that the adoption has caused her, and the good family life she had (she does not deny this part of her life). Some may view her as pessimistic and unappreciative, but I found her realistic. You see her as she tends to both of her terminally ill, adoptive parents. She finally shares what she has kept in for so long. That she never fit in, not in her family, not in the Korean American Culture, not in Korea. She talks about her birth mother and the desire for that connection and how that would make her whole. Sadly, her parents dismiss her comments and refuse to explore her feelings, saying it is too painful for them. I hope that this film was cathartic and gave her closure. As you see her coping in an unhealthy manner but the only way she knows.
What I take from this film, and you may not agree it is only my opinion:
Of course, we cannot generalize and assume all adoptees feel the way she does. Every situation is unique...but to say this case is extreme and will not be my child is wrong.
That love and having a family IS NOT enough. She shares that her adoption was celebrated, the family finally getting the daughter they dreamed about. What about the mother losing her daughter, the daughter who was left to be found, missing 10 months of her life? More importantly, that did not have the freedom to process these feeling in her adopted family. That is hurt the adopted mother to discuss the birth mother. I want my son to discuss his birth mother, as painful as this may be, it is necessary.
I do believe this is not us, as I grieve for P constantly. Tonight, as he ate happily in his highchair, I got tears in my eyes as I thought about how much loss he has had in his short life. When he is old enough, I want him to explore this, if he does not want to, at least he will grow up knowing we gave him every option. Trust me, not every dinner is this way. Most nights, he is just my son...I am not this overzealous, cross-cultural, analytical mother. Most nights we sing, laugh, and talk and the blinders are on. But they need to come off every so often, or we are bound to forget.
I assume things were different in 1975, for a young Korean adoptee, however P could have some similar experiences and I am naive if I think he won't. I know people may say hurtful comments or women may chose not to date him due to his race. He will be acutely aware that we do not look alike. I think the difference will be how we address these issues. We (I speak for Jim and I only) are so blinded by our white privilege, so we must challenge ourselves to look beyond. Our trip to Korea we a good start, but only a beginning. I need to stop it's getting late and I may not be making sense.
Anyone else see the movie, thoughts? I encourage anyone who had adopted or is in process to watch.
We all pet sharks
saw rhinos
watched a baby giraffe eat and
wandered through the butterfly garden. They land on you, which I do not enjoy-to me they are bugs with wings.
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