Dear Alma Matter

Parker made his first trip to Ball State University, where Jim and I met when I was in graduate school. Jim informed Parker that he would be applying to University of Michigan, and promptly sang him the fight song. We had planned to attend the Kappa Delta philanthropy but it coincided with the family pictures so we stopped by the KD house for a reception. Parker was very animated at the house and was pointing and smiling at all of the ladies. I guess he knows cute women when he sees them!

We later had dinner with Jim's family and Parker behaved amazing and ate spicy food off my plate. I love that he is from a culture that introduced him to a variety of flavors at a young age. Since we eat spicy Thai often he should be able to join in.

As for my thoughts on pictures, yes I was right, I was too soon. Poor little Parker shut down, was crying and wanted nothing to do with his cousins. I guess Mother does know best!

Parker and I had our first day home alone, as Jim headed back to work this week. We did fine and even got laundry and dishes done. We are going to run some errands tomorrow before nap time as he always fall asleep in the car!

I still love the baby food Omma fed me!

A hit with the KD Ladies!

I I sleep excellent in the car

Playing with the dog toys...

Rhetorically Speaking

Yes, I should be in bed right now but sorting out some guilt. Parker is sleeping in his crib and I am feeling guilty, is it too soon for him to be there? When he wakes up crying does it upset him to be there? When he wakes up we sleep on the floor with him and there are no problems. If he cries, we respond. Some AP think this is okay, some think we should sleep on the floor with him for months. I am just trying to do what feels right for me and him. That being said, how is he supposed to go to daycare in 9 weeks? Isn't that going to be traumatic for him??

Are we doing too much too soon, we are taking family pictures tomorrow and I feel like I need to justify why I do not want others holding him or touching him. Why should I have to, he is my son? But attachment is real and reactive attachment disorder is nothing I would ever want to see him go through. So I look like the obsessive Mom. Jim is having people over to work on the basement, and I want us to leave the house. I do not feel right having him around more new people in our home. I need to let myself feel this way, as no one was with us to receive that scared little boy in Korea and he does come back. No one needs to understand, they just need to respect my decisions, as a parents and an adoptive parent. I love Parker more than anything and what to do what is right for us.

While these thoughts were going through my head, I found a post on an adoption blog I read. It asked if adoptive parents are held to a higher standard? If anyone has ever done a home study or put together a dossier you know the answer.

We ventured out, alone

Jim wanted to work on finishing our basement so I told him Parker and I would give him some time in the house. I had a few things to return to Babies R Us, and wanted to stop by one of the malls. In one store, an adult Korean adoptee commented on how cute Parker is and asked me about the process. I was explaining our agency and others that could be used in the state. I walked on and thought I should have given her my email, so I ran back and was unable to find her. Those are such positive encounters. Being asked if my daughter would like a balloon, in Trader Joe's, was not! I know that has nothing to do with adoption or his ethnicity but it still drives me crazy, he looks like a boy! Parker and I did great out, he tends to be pretty quiet and just takes it all in. However, in baby gap he was pointing and laughing; good taste since the spring clothes are adorable!

I am busy planning Parker's Dol, and was all set to rent towers but they are booked that weekend! I am not looking forward to making towers, I am not crafty and would rather eat candy than glue it to Styrofoam!

Love to play in the crib but not sleep!

He loves a baby einstien book and would sit and look through it, however when I would try to take his picture he would hop up and laugh

Haircuts and carousels

This is Jim's last week away from work so we decided the haircut was in order. Well, five mins. in a race car and Parker Sang-tae has a "bowl" cut; poor guy! I am hoping there is a way to add some element of style to it. I doubt we will return to the kids cuttery, as the cuts looks bad and they were not that wonderful with children. Parker did fine with the cut and surprisingly did not cry. This was not his first haircut, as FM trimmed his hair due to the length. Normally, the Korean agency asks that they families do not cut the children's hair.

Since it was president's day the Indianapolis Children's Museum was free, and a perfect opportunity to get out of the house. The snow has continued and it is too cold for doing any activities outside with Parker. The colors and shapes of all the exhibits were very interesting to him and he was pointing at many things. We decided to try the carousel, it is from an Indianapolis park, circa 1930's. I assumed we would sit on the bench style seating, but he kept pointing at the animals so we picked a tiger! He did great, no tears and even looked at Dad taking pictures. For the most part we kept him in the stroller and just walked around.

A BIG thanks to our dear friend, Kara, for bringing us dinner. It was wonderful to have a glass of wine and enjoy some company.

I am anxious for some better weather, I want to run and get in a steady training for the mini marathons.

Petting a donkey at the Egypt exhibit

An alligator

Riding the carousel, perfect choice since it is the year of Tiger!

Playing in a box that contained presents from Grandma, pre haircut

My first haircut in a car

Good with the bad

I know that my last post made it seem that things were almost perfect, ie. sleeping through the night, and napping. I want to express that attachment is not a quick process and there will still be difficult moments. Last night we had the same temperament we saw in Seoul. he was inconsolable and refused to let us put him down. I realize that biological babies will have difficult nights as well, but wanted to make sure I was being honest as to what we are going through.

Go Cubs Go

Parker had his first post placement visit with our social worker today, we have three visits over the next six months. These visits allow pictures and updates to be placed in his file in Korea and we move towards finalization. Currently, Parker is not a US citizen and his legal guardian is our agency. Our SW let us know that in three months we will take the legal steps to finalize his adoption. Meaning he will go before a judge to become a US citizen, and then we can change his name.

We had a few breakthroughs, Parker slept in his crib the ENTIRE night! Jim still slept on the floor in case he woke up...I do not anticipate this happening every evening but one night was good! Also, I went to get my hair highlighted today (it was in desperate need) and when I came home I put Parker in his crib and he took a 2 hour nap! I had to wake him for the SW's visit! While this may not become a pattern, we will take it.

Parker Sang-tae is going to celebrate his first Korean Lunar new year by going to one of the local Korean restaurants. I am looking forward to it as well, I would love another Korean pancake and all the delicious panchan!

My first Cubs shirt, Thanks Cousin Colleen!

I laughed at Mom and Dad when they made me sing the Go Cubs Go song!

No Nap Wednesday

Parker has decided he has no need for a nap, this is the same child who took 2 a day in Korea! We thought a trip out to buy shoes would be tiring. A few Mom friends told me not to buy shoes, as I would have no idea if they would fit. So we got a few pairs from baby gap, very cute. Jim wanted to buy him a swim suit (okay it was really cute...) despite the 6 inches of snow on the ground. I wanted to get some items from the Tea Korean collection before they were gone, so he has clothes for his birthday party. This was our first use of the Bugaboo and it is amazing, so light! He loved being in the stroller and looking at people in the stores, he was pointing at everything in Pottery Barn kids! I assume most people think he is a girl because of the stereotypical thought that only girls are adopted from Asian countries; which is not true! There are young, healthy, adoptable boys available from China with a very short wait period!

We stopped in Boarders to look at the Thomas the Train play area, and he got down on the ground and grasped onto a Thomas book!

Parker was out as soon as he got into the car seat, but wide awake at home. He decided he wanted to play all afternoon and finally fell asleep around 8:30pm. Any Mom's out there have ideas for nap time. We made a few attempts to get him to sleep around 3:00pm...no luck!

I finally put on my Uggs, they will not fit for long!
Very cold after my bath

Found Mom's fitness magazines

I would rather play than go to sleep!

Welcome Home

Playing with a shopping bag as I unpacked

He will go in and play, but only on his terms!

The morning before we left Seoul, notice the Raiders shirt.

I must start by saying thank to everyone in our lives for such support, our families for picking us up at the airport, our friends for having dinner waiting, the house decorated, and a Thomas DVD for Parker (trust me he needed it at 5:00am), kind words on facebook, mail, and texts. Finally for those of you I have never met but are going through this journey or have already been there your support has been amazing. You are the ones that can relate to our situation and share your stories, which have gotten us through this last week. Jim would have me read to him the posts from adoptive parents or look at the Holt BB, as those words mean so much. We have read every letter, post, and card sorry if we are slow to respond!

As for the flight, only one word can describe it AMAZING! As we ate our last breakfast at the Somerset, we were thrilled to find that DJ was there for a training. She and some of her staff said goodbye to Parker (who was clinging to Mom at this point!). We were thrilled to find another AP on our flight, a Mom who traveled without her spouse and 2 daughters. She had picked up her little guy just a few hours after us, I wish would have known she was in Seoul! That was great for me, as I was worried about how I would feel getting on the plane, as I took him from his country and his culture. Instead, I was chatting and exchanging stories. We got bulkhead seating together and the boys had bottles at take off and NO tears! Parker slept two thirds of the flight but would play with the other little boy or look at the Pororo cartoon on my screen (I think I need to order him one). Of course the flight was long (13 hours) and we were tired but it went better than we could dream.

We were met at O'Hare by both families, Parker hated the car seat and cried himself to sleep. We ate lunch at my parent's and Parker was a bit shy at first but warmed up once the crowd got smaller. He crawled over to Steve and asked to be held. For those of you who know my brother, that is an unlikely choice, as he is about 6'4"! Grandma gave him more presents, including more Thomas DVD's. We drove home in constant snow, we finally made it at 7:00pm. Parker is still on Korean time and did not want to sleep. So we took four hour shifts, holding and feeding him. Needless to say, Jim and I are pretty tired, well exhausted. Also, he doesn't want to be put down, which is cute, but he is 22 lbs, my arms are sore. I am planning on ordering an Ergo after this post since he loved the carrier with FM.

He slept a little more last night but wanted to play non-stop from 2am-6am, even asking to go into his crib to laugh and play. We thought we would make it to church this morning but were running late, so not yet. We wanted to get him outside in the sunlight to help with the time change, so we went to the Asian grocery store in town to get some of his favorites: rice, Korean pears (our favorites too!), barley tea (they were out!!), soy soup, and dried seaweed. He was so cute at the market, pointing at everything. As we checked out the cashier said so cute, little girl. He was in NAVY BLUE! Okay, hair cut is in order. We went over to Costco where he sat in the cart and loved people watching, he also cried until I gave him a bit of a sample pretzel (he is so curious of our food, and wants to try everything).

We were able to get laundry started and even unpack and clean a little, since he will nap in the pack in play, once he falls asleep. Don't be too impressed, we have barely eaten and I have laughed at the thought of all the movies I was going to catch up on with Netflicks. It was a luxury that I put on mascara to leave the house today.

All transitions considered things are great, and Parker Sang-Tae is too cute for words!

Ours Forever

I hesitated posting pictures because it gives the impression that things are going well, and hey are going as well as can be expected. However, today was one of the most difficult days in all three of our lives. It was tough for FM too, but she has done this 6 times before. I am not sure if that makes it any easier. I think it is important to share the emotion of this day as the grief is so real for all involved. On our blog and to the outside world it appears that we waited about a year, fly to Korea and brought home a darling boy. While this is true, there is a sadness and grief that cannot be communicated through pictures. I cannot tell you how many adoptive parents told me, that adoption is not for the faint of heart. Today is the first time I have ever seen my husband cry.

We arrived at Holt this afternoon and FM and her daughter were there with Parker. We met in the same room of the initial meeting. She presented us with many gifts, which we did not open until we left. A beautiful Handbok and many outfits. She sent with him a bag of his favorite toys, (which has been very helpful), some baby pictures and a large box of traditional Korean cookies. She told us they were for a celebration when we arrived home. DJ (Holt SW) gave us his passport and immigration paperwork. At this point I was crying and asked DJ to translate thank you to the FM and she responded with wishes that he grow up healthy and happy.

A cab was called and we went outside, the FM sobbed and said goodbye, at that point DJ took him and handed him to Jim. The FM hugged me and I got into the car. The cab ride involved sobbing for 30 mins. until he finally fell asleep. We got into the hotel room, he woke up and it continued for an hour. He must have been exhausted because he finally gave up and decided to play. Thomas the Train came on and he got very excited. A few times tonight he would look at us and just cry inconsolably. He did not want to take his bottle, but ate lots of apple puffs and some baby food. I have a feeling he is eating a real dinner, which we did not expect. I am not sure if he will sleep tonight, the hotel brought up a crib but he is not used to sleeping alone. After he fell asleep, I had to go into the bathroom and cry. It is heartbreaking to witness his grief and I needed to process it. He has had so many changes in his short life and I cannot wait for him to understand the consistency he will have in our home.

Despite the emotion of the day, our son is a darling boy and we enjoyed the good moments of tonight and know there will be more to come.

Second meeting

We just returned from Holt for Parker's pre-flight physical. The doctor said he was very healthy, he weighed about 22 lbs. He is much smaller in person, and is often in 3-4 layers! When we walked in the clinic he saw us, drew back with a look of why are they here again. He was great with the doctor and we were able to play after the appointment. He did much better sitting and looking at us, a few times he reached for us and allowed us to touch him. I did try to hold him and you do not want to see that picture. Tomorrow will still be rough but we feel ready, I just hope the cab driver is ready. A haircut is in order as an older FM who was in the lobby at Holt asked if he was a girl and said he had a girl's face...

He loves the camera and cell phones. He reached for FM cell phone and the SW cell phone, he shook the SW cell phone and kept looking at it. FM said he LOVES to watch videos of himself on the cell. Great, he is going to want nothing to do with the Thomas the Train phone we bought him, he would prefer an Iphone! We took a video with our camera of FM singing and playing with him, hopefully that will occupy him on the plane.

He poses as soon as the camera comes out!

Looking at a cell phone with Dad

DMZ

Jim and I had the unique opportunity to visit the Demilitarized Zone (DMZ), it runs 2KM both north and south of the 38th parallel. This is the latitude of the dividing line between North and South Korea, where the two sides agreed that there are no troops within 2KM of the boarder. However at the edges there are many troops. We had to provide our passports for the tour and were given many restrictions on areas we could not photograph and there were South Korean soldiers present. The soldiers we not able to take photos with us, as they were on high alert, due to shootings that had occurred last week in the Yellow Sea, due to disputes at the 38th parallel. We did not head on to Panmunjeom (wish we did), which is an 800 sq. meter area that is designated as a joint security area between the UN and N. Korea, it is out of administrative control of both N and S Korea. Some countries were required to submit their passports a week before the tour, in order to be granted permission to enter.

We visited the third tunnel, which was discovered in 1978. This was a steep climb back up, we were unable to take pictures and required to wear hard hats. The tunnel is blocked in three places, so N Korea cannot gain access. North Korea dug at least 4 tunnels while claiming to be at peace with the south. The South continues to look for additional tunnels and land mines. There were many danger mines sign that were guarded.

Me, with North Korea in the background, we were not able to take pictures behind the yellow line. We were able to view North Korea through binoculars. There are two villages in the DMZ, one belonging to N Korea. In the past, there was no one who lived there. That is why it is called Propaganda village, now there are N Korean citizens who live and work in this village.

A thank you monument to the US for their help in the war

Dorsan station was built in 2002 in hopes that the rail system will open into the North. President George W. Bush was present at the dedication and there is a signed rail tie as well as numerous pictures. There was a group of Japanese business men who were taking many pictures with the picture of President Bush (Jim said it was because of the incident with his father and Japan!) If the rail system continues it would join the Koreas as far as Paris!

Sign in Dorsan station

The last or first train stop, depending on what happens in the future

Messages left on freedom bridge, hopes for peace and messages to families who have been separated

An alter for the families who cannot celebrate Lunar New Year with their loved ones.

Later Today

Insadong Market

A few hours later and feeling optimistic, we headed back to Insadong to purchase some more gifts for Parker, some small items to give him on family day each year until he is 18. There are some beautiful traditional Korean items but I am not sure if some are appropriate for a son. We plan to wait to get him a name chop until we get his name written in Hangul from Holt, it is a traditional stamp that is used to sign official documents. We bought a scroll for our house with the word hope, it sounded very fitting and will be memorable hanging in our home. Tomorrow we plan to get a custom made scroll for the home with the words we choose, they are beautiful.

We had kept our eyes open for Ho'dduck, a fried street food filled with honey, brown sugar, and nuts. It was amazing but the center dripped all over Jim's coat and my gloves...it was a mess and we stood in the market laughing. We are obviously tourists so it really doesn't matter how many pictures we stop and take or if we continue to pull out the metro map...we stand out.